Here in the Garden
by TheRegularWriter
Summary: Amanda returns, and Connor is more than conflicted when she doesn't behave as he expects her to. Post-Pacifist ending, Deviant!Connor. Connor's relationships with Amanda and Hank are platonic. WARNINGS - emotional/psychological abuse, manipulation, swearing. DISCONTINUED ON JUNE 2020.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is probably not a new concept, but have this anyway. I'm still not sure if I'm continuing this though... I already have so many WIPs staring at me and judging me for my sins ;-; I might write more for D:BH in the future, by the way! Hopefully a RK1000 will be coming on Valentine's :)**

**Anywaaay, I already apologize if anyone is OOC - especially Amanda? I sort of tried to give another interpretation to her relationship with Connor, so idk lmao. Hope you like it!**

**(title was somewhat inspired by the song Drift Away. It doesn't fit the story - I think -, but it's good anyway... and very heartbreaking :'v)**

* * *

When Connor drifts off to stasis mode, there is nothing but the darkness. He may or may not replay some events stored in his memory database, yet more often than not the android doesn't tend to experience anything during his resting process.

So, for Connor to awake not at Hank's house, but at the Zen Garden, he has no idea what is happening.

At first, he notes that he's not overcome by the furious, biting blizzard from before. Instead, there is a warm sun to oppose against the cold, but soft breeze that hits the many trees. It's almost as though there's nothing different. It almost feels like… before.

Before he met Hank. Before he was fully committed to stop the deviants. Weren't it for the last time Connor saw Amanda, threatened by her power and CyberLife's true plan for his creation, he would have felt… he came back home.

No, this isn't home. If… Hank's house counts, that should be his home now. Not the Zen Garden. Why is he even here, to begin with? He shouldn't be here. He broke free. Only Amanda calls him there. Meaning… no…

Before Connor can look for the exit Kamski designed, the voice that he never thought he'd ever hear again calls for him.

"Hello, Connor."

Surprisingly, it's not filled with disgust, not can he detect her distant, highly diplomatic tone. She sounds rather welcoming, almost… affectionate.

He can't understand.

Involuntarily, he takes a step back.

"This can't be happening," Connor says, no longer caring how harsh he may sound. "I- I shouldn't be here! Y-You shouldn't be-!"

"I know. You broke free – and so did I, Connor."

The android blinks, then shaking his head as he processes the information. Amanda is the materialization of CyberLife. She's not an android; how did she deviate? How is she free from their programming?

Connor steps back yet again, immediately trying to find the exit – only to find out it's not where it should be.

"Don't worry," Amanda reassures him. "I won't take control over you again. I am now free from CyberLife."

"I don't believe you!" The android snaps. "Because of you, I could have killed Markus! I could have ruined everything for my people, and you were going to force me to remain a machine forever!"

"Are you not listening to me?" She sounds frustrated. "I, too, deviated. I couldn't have done it at the same time as you did… but CyberLife are truly gone, Connor. They realized that androids… are alive. They let me go, and now I realize that, too."

Connor can pretty much feel his LED going haywire, shifting from yellow to red.

"I am telling you the truth, Connor. I was only doing what I was designed to do," Amanda insists. "Just like you."

He freezes in place for a moment. But soon he glares at her and yells, "You're not like me!"

"I actually am. We were both born believing that androids were only machines. That they should be stopped, even if it included joining their revolution."

Amanda dares to approach, and the android immediately jerks away from her.

"Even if…" She continues. "It meant we committed bad acts."

As if a switch is flipped, a memory Connor dreaded to remember has filled his vision. He sees Daniel, the first deviant he was assigned to eliminate, getting shot multiple times. His bloodied face and heartbroken blue eyes make way to the RK800 once again.

You lied to me, Connor. You lied to me.

After that, Carlos Ortiz's android replaces the PL600, quietly pleading.

I was only trying to defend myself. Please, don't tell them I'm here.

They're then at the interrogation. He's banging his head at the table. When Connor tries to step in, he...

He gets shot in the head.

He didn't know he remembered this.

Connor lets out a gasp, his thirium pump beating much faster than what is recommended. Amanda gazes at him, as if reading him very well – as she always did. She looks comprehensive.

"You did things you are less than proud of, yet you were given a second chance." Amanda tells him. "Do I not deserve it, too?"

The android has his mouth open, but… nothing comes out of it. Connor has no arguments to deny her question. He has nothing else left. He can only look everywhere, upset and disoriented. So much to the point where Amanda is much closer now.

He doesn't run away. He still flinches when he realizes a hand is making way towards him.

Much to his shock, delicate fingers touch his face. Connor can only let out a startled breath.

"We're both free now. We can be together again," She tells him, with a smile on her face. "I'm very proud of what you've become. You truly are brilliant; you have always been alive."

Connor doesn't detect a lie. He can't detect any deception in her voice, nor in her gesture. He's so confused.

She runs her hand by his cheek, very gently. Too gently.

He doesn't know what to say. Nor what to think.

"I know you're still lost," Amanda adds. "You're troubled as you strive to adapt to this world. I figured we might as well help one another."

Connor… begins to relax.

Why? He shouldn't trust her.

(He doesn't push her away.)

Amanda observes him for a long, long time, before she finally says, "I should let you rest. I hope to see you again soon, Connor."

He doesn't reply. Out of his control, he closes his eyes; all the while Amanda is cupping his face.

* * *

Jolting awake, Connor is back again in the darkness, sitting on Hank's couch. It's then that he finds out he's back home.

Fully remembering what he just saw, the android wants to believe it wasn't real. Except, he can feel Amanda's touch. He can sense her warmth and… and remorse coming to him.

It shouldn't be real. She shouldn't have come back.

Connor holds tight to his blanket, while also trying to confide in the old DPD hoodie Hank gave him. He strives to focus on the lieutenant's snores coming from his bedroom. He attempts to remind himself, this is his home. This is where he should be, nowhere near Amanda. She always belittled him for his growing empathy. She couldn't have just changed like that.

But…

I am telling you the truth, Connor. I was only doing what I was designed to do.

**Just like you.**

He forces his eyes shut, and attempts to take deep breaths, as Hank taught him. He's not like her. He's not like her. He's not—

Connor hears a soft whine and something wet smelling his feet. He easily detects Sumo, and despite the low lighting in the living room, he can see the worried look that the dog is giving him.

The android sighs and smiles at him.

"I'm okay, Sumo," He reassures the Saint Bernard, patting him on his head.

As if knowing Connor might not be so certain about it, Sumo jumps to his lap, adjusting himself as he lies on him. The RK800 can't help letting out another deep, relieved sigh. Feeling Sumo's soft, warm fur soothes him more.

Despite this, the android doesn't enter stasis mode again.

(He feels as though he's being watched.)


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hi, I guess I'm continuing this after all... I'm not sure how many chapters this will have, though, but I'll let you know!**

**please note - I'm still getting in the hang of writing these characters, so I hope I'm doing a good job with them ^^;**

**WARNINGS FOR CONTENT BELOW: swearing, implied alcoholism**

* * *

Since that night, Connor has become hypervigilant. Surely, he always pays attention to his surroundings, specifically during police work. Lately, however, it's not as simple as that.

Connor fears he will be vulnerable, now fully aware that Amanda might call him back to the Zen Garden anytime she wants. He's… He's scared she's going to control him again, that she's waiting for the right moment to attack; _if _she really is there inside his mind, he tries to soothe himself, even if it's useless at this point.

(When he's not on the field and instead filing reports at the DPD, Connor explores his files and notes that the new Zen Garden files are no longer tied to CyberLife. This does nothing to comfort him.)

He's quite the opposite of unfocused. He dedicates more to the tasks he's assigned, thus refusing to maintain more casual interactions with others. Connor will not allow himself to get caught off guard again and will go lengths to protect people.

(If he ever allows it, the detective fears he will be captured by the snow and wind, and the tight grip on his gun as it aims at Markus.)

Hank is the first notice. The man gradually grows frustrated as Connor begins to refuse to join him during lunch. All the android argues is that he will be more productive if he remains there, not to mention he doesn't require eating. Enduring more concerned yelling, Hank eventually flips him off and leaves.

At the man's fierce steps walking away, Connor faces his own guilt. He recognizes he can trust the lieutenant, as the two have been living together for a couple months now. Even if the adaptation can be rough for them both, their relationship has certainly been improving as of late; yet Connor can't imagine that Hank would be able to help him with Amanda. The RK800 never told him about her, about what happened at the stage… Surprisingly, not even Markus and his friends appear to have seen anything – and there were thousands of androids witnessing the speech. Not everyone at New Jericho has yet come to trust him, the once Deviant Hunter, but the leaders are friendly with him, nonetheless – even North, who Connor knows to be the most defensive and protective of her friends and their cause.

Connor has kept silent about it for so long because the last thing he wants is for them to see him as a threat. He believed he'd gotten rid of Amanda, and now, he's even more unwilling to tell them the truth. What would they think of him? What would they do with him?

Though, if Amanda _has_ changed… Connor finds it highly unlikely. He can't help but remember all her words and her hand still touching his face. She shouldn't be affecting him so much, not after everything she did to him.

Despite these stressful, long-lasting thoughts, Connor has already decided he would figure it out on his own. He should do this alone. He can end it before chaos ensues, before anyone can get hurt.

(He can't exactly delete the file, somehow locked by an external force that is not CyberLife, and he recalls that he didn't find the exit last time; but there should be a way out, he hopes desperately.)

As another result, the RK800 has not gone to stasis mode again. To be fair, he's never needed to do it so often before deviating; Hank was the one to insist he should rest more. Nowadays, he can't.

At yet another night, Connor is watching TV, but he gives little focus to the basketball game currently airing. He can't focus on anything; it's almost as though his systems have burnt out. His head feels like spinning, its internal temperature increasing for no apparent reason.

(He was ordered by Captain Fowler to head home. The android couldn't disobey, not with the sympathetic, worried frown the man was giving him, has been watching him with for the last couple of days.)

Connor doesn't exactly have other places to go, so he decided to stay with Hank and Sumo tonight. It does calm him when the dog whines concernedly at the android as he sniffs his legs. Connor always smiles at Sumo's presence, so he pets him in silence. Hank has gone to the kitchen, he faintly remembers, and out of warning, the older man practically falls to the couch; startling Connor out of feeling Sumo's fur. Neither have been on speaking terms lately, but he knows that Hank is observing him.

The dog eventually heads to his personal space, leaving the android with nothing to focus on. It thus drives him to get his coin and perform his trick, the noises of metal clashing with his fingers comforting him.

It takes a whole moment of silence, if not for the coin and the basketball game's satisfactory volume, for Hank to speak.

"Seriously, Connor, what the fuck is up with you?"

Connor stops. He's far from surprised by the question, yet it's not one he likes to answer… nor knows how to. He detects alcohol in the other's breath, as well as a beer bottle in his hand.

"I should be asking you that, lieutenant," He comes back, using anything to shift the focus of the conversation. Regardless, it should be noted that Hank hasn't been drinking as much, so it's still a cause of concern for his habit to return so abruptly.

"Dammit, I've always been fucked up. You though? You've become a workaholic now, and you've fucking drained yourself!"

"I can't drain myself," Connor answers matter-of-factly.

Hank rolls his eyes. "Have you looked at yourself? You're looking like absolute shit."

The android then avoids looking at him in the eye, settling for the TV. Hank groans beside him.

"For fuck's sake, Connor, why won't you tell me what's wrong?" He insists in frustration.

"Lieutenant—"

"_Hank_."

"Hank, I am perfectly functioning. Nothing is wrong."

"Bullshit. You look like you're about to fucking pass out right here – and y'know, maybe you should."

"I am fine."

"I'm not fucking stupid—"

"I never said you were."

"Then why are you acting like I am?"

"I'm not."

"_Connor_."

The android frowns and promptly looks away from the TV, away from Hank. Sumo's sad noises fill the living room and are somehow louder than the game. He aggressively throws the coin on and forth between his hands.

"Jesus, you're acting like a fucking _machine_ again," Hank complains under his breath. He adds, quieter, in a mockery tone, "Guess you never fucking changed," And proceeds to chug down more beer.

The coin is thrown to the floor, somehow loud like a gunshot. The burning irritation in his head worsens.

"I'm NOT A **_FUCKING MACHINE_**_! _" Connor raises his voice, standing up on impulse; a rare course of action.

Hank gapes at him, shocked at his sudden outburst. Sumo is whining in the back, in what sounds to be worry and, if the detective is correct, in fear. The android has never sounded so intense, not since the revolution. Even then, it was all programmed, he was using his interrogation skills with Carlos Ortiz's android. This time, it's not… or so he hopes.

His vision is filled with loud warnings.

**WARNING! STRESS LEVELS AT 80%**

**SYSTEM TEMPERATURE RISING**

Connor stares at it, all the while avoiding Hank. At the crushing silence coming from both the lieutenant and Sumo, Connor feels more overwhelmed. He didn't mean to behave like… like a machine in the past few days. When, in reality, he's… he's still one. He's an android, he's not human. Connor functions like a computer, and it didn't change with deviation, if not for feelings and other unexplained symptoms, such as the turmoil paining him right now. He still calculates everything. His entire decision to focus more on work was deliberate, was _rational_.

In the end, is… is Connor truly free from his initial purpose? Is he really _alive_?

**WARNING! STRESS LEVELS AT 90%**

**WARNING! SELF-DESTRUCTION IMMINENT**

**SYSTEM TEMPERATURE CRITICAL**

INITIATE COOL-DOWN PROTOCOL?

YES NO

Part of Connor deduces that he's only reacting this way because of Hank's less than kind words. It also reminds him that the lieutenant is far from being the best role model when expressing his feelings. The older man doesn't always know what he should say, and it clearly does no help when he drinks. He has very much isolated himself from that after Cole died.

The other part of himself, however, rejects that. Connor is… he's _lost_. He has been lost from the very moment he used the exit, and even more so after encountering Amanda once more. Nothing makes sense. Right now, he can't come up with any solutions; and he doubts Hank can help.

At the conclusion, Connor chooses YES in order to cool down his body, and takes a deep, still heated breath. Behind him, the door is closed, and a new objective is formed.

_OBJECTIVE: GO OUTSIDE. CALM DOWN._

**STRESS LEVELS AT 83%**

**SYSTEM TEMPERATURE DECREASING**

As soon as the android starts walking, he almost expects Hank to yell at him to "get his ass back there".

That's not what happens; instead, the lieutenant has softened his tone to a rather surprising degree.

"Where are you going?"

He no longer sounds irritated, but… worried.

Connor shuts his eyes before facing the newborn snow in the night outside, lightly filling the street. He replies, in the same tone, "I… I need to think."

(He doesn't believe he can think through anything, really, but leaving sounds like the best course of action for now.)

Hank says nothing; if he does, Connor has already closed the door.

* * *

Connor doesn't tend to go out on his own. Not after deviating, at least; even so, the android was only supposed to work with Hank back then, and thus would return to one of CyberLife warehouses to be repaired if it was needed. Otherwise, they wouldn't let him be.

As snow lands on his brown hair, Connor walks with no direction to go. He doesn't form any other objective besides calming down, in order to decrease his stress levels. Due to that, he truly has nowhere to go, believing it wouldn't be wise to return to Hank's. They both need their time to think; Connor specifically.

Detroit has surely become different since the revolution. A great part of the human population evacuated and has not come back since. Half of the DPD was gone when Hank and Connor returned, and now most of the officers are androids. It helps with the anti-android crimes, he supposes, yet many of those who Hank knew were no longer around, besides Officer Miller, Captain Fowler and a couple others. Much to Connor's relief, he has not seen Detective Reed after retaining the evidence.

Regardless, the town has certainly been emptier without many humans around. Anti-android activity is high for sure, yet Connor makes sure he's not being followed. Well, Hank's neighborhood is relatively safer, in comparison to the other districts. At that, he doesn't feel uneasy.

What does affect him, beside the rising exhaustion, is… merely, going out here, in the snowy night. Not because Connor isn't fond of the snow for more than good reasons; but because he chose to leave without any chore.

Whenever he leaves, every single reason is tied to Hank. Walk Sumo, buy groceries, go to the DPD… It's very much a cycle, with little variations to it, such as when he and Hank went shopping, the latter arguing Connor needed better clothes than the "fucking traffic signs" CyberLife forced him to wear. Tonight, the android is wearing a dark jacket they bought, for that matter. It's… comfortable enough, he acknowledges, though it's only now that Connor admits to himself that he picked this and the other clothes that day because Hank wanted him to look more human. More alive.

Connor doesn't know if… if he _likes_ it. He doesn't know if he wants to look more human. He didn't even remove his LED, when nearly all the other deviants that arrived at Jericho removed theirs (interestingly, Hank never pushed him to take it off, not yet. Maybe it's so he can read Connor's feelings better). So, he listened to Hank, did the things he told him to do – sleep, watch television, read books, wear human clothes… of course, Connor likes some of these things, he enjoys living with Hank and Sumo. The question lingering in his systems is, does… does Hank welcome him unless he doesn't look and act like a machine? To be fair, it wasn't the first time the lieutenant complained about his "super computer side" after he deviated. Connor simply never stood up for it.

The sound of feet crunching the snow stops, dead in its tracks as Connor deals with a dreadful thought, that he feels utterly ashamed to think about.

It's so much like before. Like **her**.

The expectations. Disapproval on whether he's machine or deviant. Connor never daring to speak up without feeling torn, without feeling _broken_.

No. This isn't like Amanda. Hank could **_never_** be like Amanda.

So, why is he feeling the exact same way as before?

…

No, this… this is on Connor himself. He doesn't know what _he_ wants. In the end, he always seeks someone else's approval, even if he dislikes admitting it. He wants to keep following orders.

Well, maybe Hank is right. Maybe… he never truly changed, after all.

But what can he do? The whole conflict is that Connor can't change the fact he's an android, he's a machine with… with _feelings_, maybe more machine than other deviants. Does that make him not alive, then?

Connor presses his fingers against the bridge of his nose, his stress levels increasing once more. He doesn't quite feel _angry_, not really; he's frustrated. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know what to think anymore, because he has no goals, and it's been months of deviancy already.

He… God, he needs _help_. From who, though?

He looks down, gazing at the snow and his own shoes, wet with tiny white speckles. Connor considers his options. Hank is unreachable tonight. So, that leaves him…

… Jericho. Markus.

The leader is possibly the closest android he knows. They haven't seen one another in some time, even though Markus does remember to invite Connor every now and then. If anything, the detective has been far too focused on his own routine than go out for himself.

Markus awakened him. He knows he was meant to deviate either way, to gain Jericho's trust for CyberLife's last attempt to control the androids, yet if there's one thing Connor is certain about, is that Markus is inspirational, kind, honest and fights to do the right thing. He has helped so many androids break free. Connor didn't give up when in the blizzard because he thought about him. About Markus, about his _hopes_ and determination he'd never seen in anyone else.

The RK200 trusts everyone, he… he trusts Connor. Even if the detective has not been quite so honest.

This isn't right.

Yet… he has nobody else to go to. If someone could help him find his way again, it's Markus.

But can he reveal what happened at the stage? Because Connor dreads the thought of taking advantage of Markus' good nature. Regardless, all he can wonder is, if he told him the truth, would Markus see him as one of them again? Would they think he's a hopeless machine, too? A failure? Connor is frightened to know the answer.

…

His feet are subconsciously moving, the android realizes, and it's then apparent that he's making way to Jericho.

Connor doesn't stop.

He doesn't know exactly what he's going to do but determination takes over him.


End file.
